spoken word: the secret

This is a poem I wrote about 2 years ago. It discusses my perspective of telling someone a secret of my past, one that hurt me and that I had kept to myself up until that moment. Love can make you do crazy things.

The Secret

By: Carol

The ocean is in my ears tonight.
The slow, steady roll of the midnight tide keeps me awake,
my eyes pinned open,
like an Orchid budding in the middle of May.
The bitterness of the water is a tall, iced lemonade.
The taste,
a constant reminder of my mistake.

I told him the secret.

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how to deal with summertime sadness

No, I’m not referring to the Lana Del Rey song. I’m talking about that crippling, deep sadness you feel in your chest when the sun is shining, birds are singing and you feel guilty about feeling sad. Yeah, that.

For the past few summers, I have consistently felt a pang of overwhelming sadness as soon as May hits. I don’t know if I’m just averse to the sunlight, or if moving back home has that effect on me, but it hits me like a brick wall. I think for me, one of my biggest worries was that people would see my self harm scars on my legs. Bathing suits are a thing, right? Honestly at this point, I don’t really care whether or not people see the thin, white scars covering my upper thighs. It was a part of my life, although not one that I like to remember, but a part of it nonetheless.

Also another great thing about the summer is wearing bare minimum clothing. As someone who is not a huge fan of their body, I often find myself wearing jeans when its 100 degrees outside just because I think people will look at my legs weirdly. Or maybe I will draw too much attention if I wear a patterned dress. Do I just stick to black and white, simple clothing so that I blend in as much as possible? My lil’ anxious brain works in mysterious ways.

Luckily, I have amazing people surrounding me. My friends and family are the best support system I could ever ask for and I would not trade them for anything. This, combined with self-growth and self-acceptance, I have developed some healthy coping mechanisms that aren’t self destructive. I want to share them with you:

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